BREAKING NEWS—Monday at West Seattle High School, a student reportedly drowned after falling into a massive puddle on their desk. When interviewed, witnesses said that the puddle had developed from the condensation on an iced West Bay drink. 

Authorities allegedly have a list of viable suspects, but have refused to release any further details, as most people involved are minors. 

After being interviewed by the police, West Bay released a statement saying they hold no accountability for the incident. However, the establishment publicly took full responsibility for all future heart attacks of overcaffeinated West Seattle students. 

“Those kids come every day,” the owner of West Bay told KUOW news station. “They hand me their parents’ credit card, asking for a Red Bull with 4 different syrups in it, and I have to comply.” 

One barista said, “It’s a really tragic situation. If there was anything I could have done, I would have. I just think that the system needs to be better at educating people on the consequences of failing to clean up the messes people make.” 

Dr. Roberta M. Gardner, a psychology researcher at UW explained, “High school students are feasible to having no basic respect for the spaces they learn in, and the students that sit in the seat after them. Because their axons are still myelinating and teenagers are resistant to cutting back on their caffeine consumption or gaining better social awareness, these incidents are unfortunately very common.” 

Outraged West Seattle High School families Tuesday night demanded to know at a parent meeting how the school was planning on preventing another tragedy from occurring. At the time, West Seattle representatives refused to comment, but the rumor is, they’ll most likely cut lunch time down to 5 minutes to give students less time to buy off-campus lunches.